The Daily Gym Shart

Fit4Poor to replace expensive Gym Equipment with ‘Stuff’

The 99p gym chain had suffered huge losses in the past 11-months due to both Covid restrictions and the fact its 99p a month.
As a result, bosses were forced to sell anything of value while still charging its members to stay afloat.

The companies brave stance has not only ruffled a few feathers but also caused a huge drop in membership numbers, leaving bosses in an almost impossible position.
Up until the companies last think tank session.

The outcome had looked to be doom and gloom for the gym chain until one of the junior management team members came up with a break through concept that will not only suit their member demographic but also improve life skills to come.

The new ‘Real Life simulation Zones’ will simulate real life workouts as well as target manual and physical labour like activities.

Tom Hatcher, the brains behind F4P’s new concept gave us the inside scoop.

“The idea came to me after finally doing all the odd jobs around the house that the other half was nagging me to do.
I started with the garden, I had ordered 2 tons of decorative aggregate that needed spreading and realised how good a work out it was. Our company solution was staring us in the face!!”

The ‘no thrills’ gym chain will now have new ‘real life simulation’ training zones which include:

ZONE A – Gravel zone – Burn fat and build lower back stamina with this revolutionary work out. Shift several tones of real life gravel from zone A to zone D using our custom weighted shovels and ergonomic wheel barrows.

ZONE B – The green zone – Get a functional, full body workout in our outdoor green zone. Using our state of the art weed and shrub technology, we have found the most effective way to hone in on your every day fat melting needs.

ZONE C – Real world Cardio simulator. Our resurfaced open air running and cycle area give you that all weather experience to harden you for the real world. We have paired this zone with our car park so you can think on your feet to avoid real life car drivers and get that pulse rate up.

ZONE D – The skipping Zone – Fill a skip with stuff from Zone’s A and B

The company bosses are elated with the new concept and stand by the new innovative ideas.
The chains officials hope to include several additional zones in coming months which will include a bonfire building area, removing a trolley from a brook, scraping dirty plates into a bin and an area where you can have a real life fight.

A spokesperson for Fit 4 Poor has also told us that nothing in their member contracts obliges the F4P group to actually supply gym equipment to its members and after all what do they really expect, it’s cheap!

U.K Paddle boarders feel SCAMMED by the new craze.

Tracey Manners from Essex decided to invest in her 12 ft SUP (stand up paddleboard) in March when the U.K was experiencing its hottest spring in history.

“It was amazing, every morning I’d get up and spend an hour or so getting ready along with 2 hours out on the water, I had my very own California right here in Essex”

Tracey, who was off work at the time on furlough due to the Covid-19 Lockdown, spent hours every day out on the water, she made new friends and decided to join a newly made club just for paddle boarders.

“I realised I could live like this forever, the sun, the water, the time, it was great, thats when things started to go wrong”.

After a carefree idyllic summer, it all went south when Tracey faced the harsh reality that she had to go back the work.

“I had completely forgotten what life was like, I suddenly didn’t have 5 hours in the middle of the day to inflate the board, drive to the water, get in a wet suit, paddle around, get home and wash change to be ready for a work!”

Tracey’s work schedule had completely ruined her paddle life, she even looked for an alternative income where she could get paid lots of money for very little work, which didn’t work out that well.

The other issue Tracey soon found was that the U.K tends to be freezing cold for 8 months of the year.

“I feel like I’ve been scammed to be honest, at the time when I had no commitments, amazing weather and money coming in for free it all made sense, but now I realise that its all been a lie”.

Tracey went on to tell us that she can see why the craze originated in California and was so popular with 18 – 21 year old students as opposed to 37 year old therapists with 2 kids living in Maldon.

She plans to sell her paddle board and sign up to Fit4Poor next month.

Owner of posh gym chain says “We won’t suspend memberships during lockdown as most of them don’t use it anyway”

Lloyd Lloyd Director Sir Lloyd Lloyd has given a statement to his members telling them that the Leisure chain will not be suspending any membership payments due to the fact most of the members don’t use the club anyway so whats the difference?

Sir Lloyd also went on to say that we only allow rich people to join Lloyd Lloyd and what’s a few hundred quid down the drain each month to them any way.

When our investigation team looked at the club usage the results were astounding, showing the club usage during peak season was less than 20% and only 5% during the winter months.

When asked if this was legal, the Lloyd Lloyds team argued that the club closure impacted less than 10% of its members daily routine and therefore they can still charge.

As a good will gesture, the club are offering a 10% discount throughout December for their poorer members providing the facilities are still closed and that their Range Rover is over 3 years old.

Karen Billings from Stoke decided to try out a newly opened fitness facility near her home town in early January.
Not being a member, Karen decided to use ‘Try before you buy’ tactics by climbing through an open window at the back of the new gym’s changing room, avoiding an extortionate £4.50 entry fee.

“As an ex Fit-cross athlete, I find I can do what most basic gym goers can’t, for instance I climbed the Asda trolley hut last week and often use vacant building sites as impromptu OCR’s (Obstacle Course Races), which you can use for FREE.
I’m now looking for a gym to do my own specific Fit-cross style workouts in but have struggled to find anywhere other than actual Fit-cross specific gyms.”

Ms Billings had finished her complimentary workout in the new local facility and on her way out, bumped into the owner. Not one to miss an opportunity to get another cheeky freebie, she asked for some advice on her diet, exercise and supplements regime.
It was at this point the day took an insulting and downright spiteful turn for the worse.

“I told the guy that I’m looking to get back to my peak fit-cross condition and to do so I need to lose around two stone. I mean I was a machine at Fit-cross, training six times a week, not boozing/socialising, eating the cave women diet etc and had my sights set on the Fit-cross games.”

The answers Karen got were not what she wanted to hear as the gym owner suggested she go back to a Fit-cross gym to perform Fit-cross specific exercises for the goal of being better at Fit-cross.

“I was gob smacked by his one dimensional attitude towards Fit-cross, I was so infuriated I decided to swiftly change the subject to something he might actually understand.
I simply asked what protein shake would suit me best for weight loss and it all went down hill from there.
The first thing the idiot said was that to lose weight I need to eat less and do more! Errr yeah, this is a drink!!!
Secondly he said that these shakes are made for aiding the repair and growth of muscle for bodybuilding and will do the exact opposite to weight loss, so in other words, I’m not good enough!”

Karen told us that this was the end of her fuse, as a former athlete she demanded more respect for her and other Fit-crossers that aim to use this facility.
Even though she has only had six weeks of Fit-cross experience and hasn’t been in a Fit-cross gym for nearly three years, the community and ethos still live within her.
Since this outrageous treatment, Karen has continued to use her triple choc chip protein shake and even though she hasnt lost any weight, is hoping the two yoga sessions a week she is now doing at the plush Lloyd Lloyd Lifestyle will push her Fit-cross to the next level.

Newly married couple Gregg and Sara O’Neill have been left devastated since quitting their local gym and gaining noticable amounts of weight .
The couple who had previously shared a healthy balanced lifestyle, decided to hand in their cancellation notices the day they got back from their honeymoon, as they felt they needed more spare time for their passion of midweek TV and red wine.

Sara told us this:
“On our honeymoon we did a lot of soul searching and decided we didn’t want to lead such a regimented lifestyle anymore, we had each other and that’s all that mattered.
After the most amazing trip away we wanted to take the relaxed and carefree experience forward for our future life together”

The couple immersed themselves in the laidback Caribbean way of living and even though they didn’t leave the 5 star all-inclusive resort, truly fell in love with the rich culture they experienced around the pool.

Mr O’Neill told us “They really know how to live out there, all the staff on the resort were always smiling and had bundles of energy all the time.
I mean they’re on their feet all day running around, not one of them was ever miserable and do you think they were working out three days a week? No chance! So I thought I’d take a page out their book and bin the gym!”

The couple who work in IT support, found that within days of of living the Caribbean lifestyle back in the UK they had put on a whopping 4lbs each and by the end of the month an entire stone!

Sara lamented “I honestly have no idea where it’s coming from; we haven’t changed anything other than eating and drinking more while doing substantially less, it’s a joke”

The couple have booked in with their local GP to undergo tests for thyroid and Vitamin B12 deficiencies as they are completely baffled as to why this strange phenomenon has specifically has targeted them.

Gregg, who has had to sleep on the sofa for the past month due to an unexplained bout of acid reflux along with gout, said “The only logical explanation is that we must share the exact same genetic predisposition to gain weight and that nothing other than a life of medication and rest will help.”

The couple hope to travel back to the Caribbean soon but are having to put their visit on hold due to sudden surge in blood pressure levels, meaning they are currently too high risk to fly.

Laura Belcher from Battersea books a minimum of 3 exercise classes a day using her gyms scheduling app with absolutely no intention of attending them.

“The thing is, I pay a bloody fortune for gym membership and in truth am pretty bitter about the fact I cant ever be bothered to go, so I thought not only will I book up all the classes I would go to, I’ll also make sure that someone who does actually want to positively change their life, can’t”

The calculative spinster doesn’t just stop with gym classes, she told our reporters that she often books up romantic restaurants for valentines day, several taxis at early hours of the morning at weekends as well as making phoney doctors appointments during flu season.

“Ever since I was banned from trip advisor for giving to many 1 star reviews for holidays I had never been on, I’ve struggled to get any real satisfaction until now.
The best part is, there is no face to face confrontation and I can get away with blue murder”.

Laura managed to find a loop hole in the gyms strict 3 strike rule by constantly complaining about the gyms over crowded car park meaning she can repeat the process on a daily basis.

We had wanted to interview a close friend of Miss Belcher about how this has effected her mood and motivation but it turned out, she hasn’t got any.

In early 2018 market management couple James and Alice decided to jump on the new year health kick, going all out with their facility of choice.

Alice told our reporter this
“Me and Hubby looked around a few gyms, initially, we wanted to spend as little as possible so we took a look around our local Fit4Poor.
Yeah, there were a few burnt out cars in the car park, one guy seemed to be going through the bins and there was some kind of homeless turf war taking place around the weights area, but it was just so cheap! The only thing that held us back in the end was my husband being mugged in the changing room for his redbull.”

The couple said they had reservations about joining the notoriously expensive ‘Lloyd Lloyd Lifestyle facility’ as they don’t currently drive a very new car, but found out the facility has a separate car park with shuttle service for people who didn’t drive a Range Rover.

James went on to say, “To be honest, I was still a bit shaken up from the mugging earlier in the day and when I told the sales guy ‘Chad’, he suggested a quick pint of Peroni in the facility bar to calm my nerves, all on the house!
Well who am I to say no? Me and the Mrs couldn’t believe our luck!
Long story short, we got completely battered and woke up with a 2-year couples platinum membership with additional personal training, massage, tennis and spa treatments.
In the words of ‘Chad’ the sales guy, an investment in your health is the BEST one you can make.”

The couple explained that since the blurry joining process last year they can’t actually remember where anything is other than the bar, being as it’s the first thing you come to as you walk in.

Alice commented: “To be honest, after a long day at work, as well as the 15-minute shuttle from the car park, the last thing we want to do is exercise, so we head straight to the bar for a few pints, nice bottle of red and a couple of Jaegerbombs; its great getting drunk in gym clothes because they stretch as you go on.”

The couple who attend five times a week, have fully embraced the Lloyd Lloyd lifestyle and have made a number of new friends, making the centre a real hub of their social lives.

Alice spoke candidly: “We’ve had to be a bit more realistic about our social circle and have decided to cut ties with some of our less accomplished friends and family members as they don’t really fit with our new image.
We hope to be buying a Range Rover by the end of the year when James’s drink driving ban is up for review”

Sally Tufnell from Peterborough has been bringing her two young children along to her local fitness centre since she joined three months ago regardless of its strict 14 years and above age policy.

The single mum of two who has recently been seeking employment for the past five years, stated ” I don’t have any way of going to the gym if I don’t bring them with me and, with a girl’s holiday coming up, I need to get in shape, so they come wiv”

With a backbreaking schedule of looking after the kids, cooking, cleaning as well as dropping the kids off to nursery three times a week, Miss Tufnell, like many other single mums has to make the time to train.

“I know there are gyms out there that have a creche and kid facilities but being on benefits, I’d rather save a bit on fees and just bring them along to a cheap gym”

Health club manager Craig Smith commented, “The lady is a nightmare, her kids just run wild in the gym and every time I ask her to control them, she shouts ‘Don’t you judge me’ or calls me a paedophile!”

The gym chain Fit4Poor has considered adding a creche to its services, however it would incur further fees and the demographic the chain targets are unlikely to contribute any actual costs towards their own personal wellbeing, leaving the company shareholders no option other than to let the members police themselves.

Our reporter asked Miss Tufnell if she had considered using the gym facilities while the kids where at nursery as she currently receiving 24 hours a week via a government scheme to get parents more active.

“I see those hours as me time. I need this time to plan for the future, watch my programmes and catch up with friends as well as doing ‘mum stuff’.

Local MP Gavin P. Banbury is looking to scrap the ‘Active Parents’ nursery scheme as local obesity levels have actually increased since the scheme began six months ago.

Katie Logins started her fitness career as a female figure competitor and moved into personal training in early 2017.
The gym at which she used to work in Essex had it all, state of the art equipment, great facilities, big mirrors yet she has opted to swap it all for a local farmers field.

Katie (who has kept her own Platinum Lloyd Lloyd membership) decided that her clients didnt need all that ladida rubbish gym equipment, toilets and flooring and has relocated to a “rural outdoor fitness space”, conveniently located close to the local motorway.

“It’s much better for everyone this way, being outside is refreshing and the sound of lorries passing by has become therapeutic”

The 25 year old is working her way to becoming an Instagram influencer and is hoping to be a household name in the fitness industry by the end of the year.

Katie said:
“The decision to swap from gym to ‘rural outdoor fitness space’ was a tough one to make, but ultimately I think I made the right choice for me and all my clients as I’ve managed to save a further £300 a month by not having to pay gym fees”

Even though all of Katie’s clients signed up while she was working at the gym, nothing in the terms and conditions actually stated the training sessions would take place there.

One of Ms Logins clients commented

“I’ve given £500 to Katie to whip me in to shape for Marbs and so far all I’ve done is pick two bags of Red Roosters and lost my 3 grand engagement ring!!
The useless cow spends most of the session time on sodding Instagram, is it too much to ask for a stairmaster and a bloody coffee machine, I didn’t sign up for this shit!”

We wish all the best to Katie and her new venture and hope to see more of her on the social stage.

Over the past 10 years an unfortunate epidemic has hit across the u.k and is spreading to other countries throughout the western world.

As people approach the 60 year mark signs of gym dementia become more and more obvious and by the age of 61, 100% of gym users have it.

The disease, that leaves victims bewildered and confused when in any form of fitness environment is thought to have links to high levels tea and biscuit consumption but has no further external links.

Symptoms include the following:

– Asking gym goers how old they are.
– Asking for demonstrations of equipment, exercises, showers, toilets, shoes etc.
– Aimlessly walking around changing rooms naked
– Stretching and laying in inappropriate areas such as weight rooms, treadmills, car parks and club reception etc.
– Offering unwrapped sweets to other members kept in pockets and purses
– Wearing shirts and dresses as gym attire
– Drinking hot beverages on gym equipment
– Getting in the way

Fitness facilities are having to take special measures by installing nap areas and stocking up on ovaltine to limit the dangers of the disease.

Facility manager Craig Smith commented:

“Its like bloody warzone out there, we had 3 treadmills down last week due to malted milk biscuits being stuffed in to working mechanisms not to mention the old boy passing out through heat exhaustion because he decided to row for 20 minutes wearing a 3 piece suit!
We’ve had one old boy living in the changing room for 8 months because he cant find his clothes”

Although there are drug trials taking place the MHRA and FDA say nothing will be available to the open market until at least 2025.